Foolish Musings of a 19YO on Gap Year.

I travelled the world for a year when I was 18. Northern America, UK, Europe, South Africa with a layover in Asia for 8 hours on the way home. I was directionless. I knew what I wanted to do in life, but I wasn't brave or emotionally stable enough to do it. At some point I was given a diary to fill in. Which I thought would be more prolific and insightful than what it actually is. It's exceptionally mundane, and disappointingly, not well written.

Here's probably the most entertaining or disturbing excerpt I found:

March 1999... 

Young girl who likes old men
Looks into their lives and plays with them
They don't give stones, money or bright
They share ideas, experience, insight
Wanting some sort of intimacy
I'm seeing it more intricately
Relationships differ, age widens gap
Eventuates into some serial mishap
Old men that like young girls
Someone needs to question their integrity
That should be someone like me. 

I still think Heidi Fleiss was right. Anything over 40 does look right. One can make the odd exception in the case of materialistic beauty, style and aesthetics only if they converse on an educated level, with a mature outlook. They should be over 30... 25 if you're really feeling generous. Unfortunately, in some cases lots of 30+ men will have a hereditary balding gene. These people should be avoided if it can helped, for having relationships with young girls that is. 

I don't know, what does one look for in a partner, I haven't the foggiest idea. Charisma, style identifiable to oneself. I can't handle a person who doesn't have some devious characteristic. Deviancy, yes thats something much more exciting. They are at least interesting. Naughty, Darker. I think some degenerative-ness is definitely attractive. Not heaps mind you, just a dirty mind and untamed imagination. With less morals than the god fearing christians. 

Something wicked, foreboding, mysterious, passionate. 

Emotionally intelligent, I can work some things out, intellectually, I am fucked, lets face it. 

I perused through the rest of the year, didn't seem to have any other badly written poetry. It had no particulars apart from the day to day of traveling around, dealing with different family and people. The mundanity of working in bars - a lot of description about cleaning them after hours. I smoked too much, I drank too much, and took too many drugs. Occasionally I did dance classes, and there is of course the random entries about men. I suffered from crippling insomnia referred to in every entry unless I was completely shitfaced. Being inebriated, I seemed to get a decent enough night sleep, but the aftermath wasn't pretty. 

The over-all tone over the year is of someone who is incredibly hard on themselves for underachieving goals and not meeting expectations set too high. Not many days where I was exuberant but as time goes on my language becomes peppered with colloquial english idioms. 

There was highlights of Living in a 2 bedroom Bachelor pad with four other men who were all on different timetables. Museums, Madame Jojo's, seeing Underworld and Les Rhythm Digitale at Brixton Academy on scalped tickets, attended solo - which I found freeing. On reflection, I don't think I saw going to music events the same ever again. And a few amusing late night marriage proposals from men in nightclubs. On one occasion I was told I was just dumb enough to fall in love with. Apparently my response was "I'll add you to my list".

When I found this pathological entry on my interest for older men...I figured clearly, I had issues.