I moved countries again for a while.
I couldn't handle Asia for the last few months. I don't recommend trying to get anything done outside of your comfort zone, or the 6 block radius one lives in. It's infuriating. So tremendously infuriating that when pushed and beaten on a daily basis for months, and waking up angry and rope-able by 9.00 am in the morning, you know it's time to take a break.
So I'm on a working holiday in Canada. The fatherland. And have just remembered what it's like to change highschools. I went to 4 high schools and 5 primary schools, all with varying degrees of success. Each time starting at a new school, is probably one of the most hideously awkward experiences one can have. You have no friends, your social skills from being indoctrinated with an unhealthy level of people paranoia, are generally pretty shitty. Getting to know and being accepted into long formed and tight knit social groups of other kids, while trying to be as relatable as possible, is hard.
My only, I guess - acquaintance - here has turned out to be one of those relatively flakey popular girls, who makes social appointments only to equivocate on a daily basis. It's de-stabilising at best. And it takes time to form other friendships. I remind myself everyday to lower my expectations of people. Mainly so I stop being disappointed. I find weekends are the worst. The brain numbingly boring non work weekends, where I dont know where to go or fit in.
I have forgotten how to be single, or spontaneous, and it's hard to be open. And I seemed to have deluded myself into thinking this was going to be to easy?
It's supposed to be this wonderfully amazing work experience, but has become hampered with bureaucratic idiocies that I would not expect from a "civilised country". What I am hoping is that it will make me feel grateful about living in Asia, when faced with doing stupid tasks, a small amount of money will take you to the front of the queue. And you know, Asia, it's just warmer.
I found the queer spot last night though, and felt at home. Where the sub culture of fluid sexuality and the uncertainness about fitting into normative society becomes a shared experience, where one can sit back and revel in the theatricality of it. I found one of those last time I was here too, and try to find one every time I move. Mainly because it makes me feel just that little bit saner.
I don't really know how this is going to go. The uncertainty and loneliness fills me with apprehension. It's hard trying think of myself as this person fashioned with some tough exterior who doesn't give a shit about what people think. When, while that is what I have been doing from a very young age, the exact opposite is, and apparently always, has been true. Now I just want to people to think I am a decent person who can keep shit together, while simultaneously trying to hide feelings of uncontrolled mobility, which travel from extreme peaks, to un-climbable lows on my insides. I read something somewhere recently about the amount of lies humans tell a day. Every day we tell at least four, the most prevalent one being "I'm fine".
I'm fine.
