My Celebrity 5.

So every person has their pick of 5 celebrities, they would get to "do" should the chance ever arise. Which by definition then includes one of those special relationship clauses, right? Without any fear of retribution, retaliation, or need of restitution to your "happy union". A negligible null and void contract between two parties when the famous people come to party in your pants. No cause or effect to whatever kind of cohabitation you may be in. It's the quid pro clause, and of course your significant other would have their 5, which you couldn't complain about. No matter how sketchy their tastes may be. 

I have done a lot of watching in the past few years (these days focussing less on the seksii shows in dark venues, and more on the 15 inches of computer screen in my bed), and I want to illuminate who gives me the biggest "lady boners" and exactly what it is they do that creates me that "wide on". 

1. Tom Hardy.

http://i.imgur.com/4Srx2.gif 

This guy is amazing. He studied at the institution I wanted to go to when I finished High School, the Drama Center in London. So I know some of the techniques he uses to create characters. A fucking brilliant actor. After seeing Bronson, I spent some time finding everything he was in that was available, and gorged myself silly on it. You may know him as Eames from Nolan's Inception. He is also totally fuckable in just about everything he has done. Wuthering Heights, The Take, less so in Stuart a Life Backwards. I would even do him as Handsome Bob (the homo) in RocknRolla. 

The dark attraction: IRL he was a crack junkie and alcoholic who would wake up naked, next to men in strange rooms, with loaded guns. Totally my kind of guy. He has also been in recovery for near 8 years, so is just a healthy kind of insane these days. 

I am a little sad for him because he is English, with English teeth, so wont fit perfectly into the leading man role as per American standards. Sad that he may be type cast as playing the UK bad guy/sociopath as so many other talented Brits have been. I.E his new Batman character: Bane. Also, I hope he lays off the gym visits when that role has ended, as he is way too chunky at the moment. That kind of no-neck-look because of too-many-muscles-chunky. 

He has the uncanny ability to transform and change his physicality, and his whole persona when creating a character, not unlike Christian Bale, but hotter. He is a true actor, subscribing immaculately to his craft, in this day and age of models who look pretty, hit marks, and poorly deliver lackluster dialogue. 

And he has tattoos. Quite a few of them. Rough trade, got to love it. 

2. Jason Dohring

This is a new find for me. Just this past few weeks actually, when I came across him in the series Veronica Mars. He plays the deeply troubled sociopath well, creating quite the sympathetic character. I liked his performance so much, that I had to re-watch him in Lie to Me season 2, episode 11. He was outstanding in that episode I thought. So creepy you could bed him in a minute. I also got the one and only series of Moonlight again, as I did not realize he was in it until I IMDB'd him. I tried really hard to watch it again just for his sake, but like the first time round, I couldn't. I was reminded of how unpalatable it was. 

The lady boner killer: he is a 2nd generation Scientologist who has been married to his 2nd generation Scientologist wife since 2004, which means he was 22 when he got married, and they had their first kid last year, who will be a 3rd generation Scientologist. So sad. It near broke me heart (what little left of it there is). Reading his Scientolobot interviews though, he speaks so spiritually, I could almost be converted. If they weren't so fucking creepy, doing such shady fucking shit. 

Anne Archer's son with his cheap and angry faux Tom Cruise impression really annihilates any credence those freaky Xenu loving volcano people have. That and it's a religion founded by a weirdo who writes bad science fiction stories. 

Still I did love me some Jason Dohring for a minute. And I should remember when it comes to religion, live and let live. It seems to work for him. I think he is totally underrated, and I hope he finds more mainstream work on feature films. He isn't the conventionally handsome type, but you forget all that when you see how absolutely charming he is. 

Hmm since I have now knocked off my two current favorites, I have to think of 3 more who would be in my celebrity 5.  Unfortunately because these are not concrete choices, and I can barely remember who would be worth fucking, this is a much harder part of the list.

I find it's more the case of individual character traits each man possess, melded together in a boiling pot, would create one perfect storm. On their own though? *shrugs*. 

3. These are for old time sakes, like first loves and old ex boyfriends, comfortable as an old shoe and from lack of being able to make decisions. It's a toss up between my first mature gentleman love, or why I became a  chronophiliac, aka gerontophiliac,  and learned to love old dong: Sean Connery

Tying in third place with chronic recidivist yet the not so newly reformed Robert Downey Jr.

For Connery, When I first saw him in A Hunt For Red October, I knew I just liked older men. No explanation, I just liked them.  Looking at the date the film came out, I was 11 at the time. I then discovered he was James Bond, and I think I watched every one of those films within weeks. Even the ones he wasn't in, constantly comparing the other actors to something they could never become. For me Connery WAS James Bond. 

He also worked with some of the teachers from the Drama Center, and really nailed the inner attitude and subconscious state of Adream - and it's sensing/feeling, Strong/Free qualities. Exuding that spellbinding characteristic from his nether regions. 

Ok, so he has gotten on a bit now, and is even too old for me (which is kinda old, I have to say). I saw him recently in some Louis Vuitton ad's… and I just would not be able to get a leg over now. Too many liver spots. Sorry Sean. 

This is why he shares number 3 with Robert Downey Jr.

The fucked up part of me thinks I liked Bob Jr better as a wild child. It must have been the severely dysfunctional lifestyle, and crushing vulnerability yet seemingly complete emotional inaccessibility which made him so sexy. He has aged though, and I find him less seksii than I used to. I don't know why. That and all the styling of stripy suits with the cravat ties. Enough already. I am happy he is clean and found serenity, but yeah… just less hot now. 

4. I don't really have a 4. So this is the bit where I show my true colours and reclaim the word "slutty", to declare this numeral position a celebrity orgy. Well more of a gang bang really. As it's my celebrity sex fantasy, and I would not want any hotter girly competition involved. So In no particular order:

Michael Pitt – from Boardwalk Empire. Subtle nuanced acting with nice full lips. 

Cilian Murphy – he could have ranked as number 4 singularly, possibly a few years ago, until I was turned off by his douchey IRL personality. He also dropped in ranking, because as time goes on, it is obvious, he does not have the amount of range for an actor I think is necessary to have a number on his own. 

Javier Bardem – when he kills people with a captive bolt pistol, in Some Country For Old Men. I haven't seen that many of his films actually, but his portrayal of Some Country's Hitman makes me moist in my panties. From the other parts I have seen him play, I have to concur, that yes, he is a very talented actor. Damn you Pene Cruz.

Christian Bale – mainly for the incredible acting, and his ability to convincingly change every time. His public persona and documented behavior for the last couple of years has been totally off putting though. Highlighting the fact it's just better if I know nothing about their private lives. Unfortunately, the world doesn't work like that anymore. So it's not just the violent outbursts towards his scummy, money grubbing family, who he probably can't stand, and the vitriolic abuse directed towards his crew members which has been well documented. But also marrying Winona Ryder's old personal assistant, with her ridiculous name, who is a few years older than him, and them having a wonderful family life and gorgeous baby. Yeah, bit of a lady boner killer. 

Matt Czuchry – from The Good Wife. I haven't seen him in much, but I would argue from what I have seen him in, his dramatic range is probably WYSIWYG. Still, he is cold and calculating in his role as Carey on TGW, and yeah, I think I'd do him, therefore he can totally be part of my fantasy celebrity gang bang.

Ok, enough of moshing them together to make something doable. 

5. Angelina Jolie - Need I say more? this one speaks for itself. 

I am sure very few of them would live up to my celebrity fantasy though. They are probably all neurotic, self obsessed, nut cases. Dohring sounds level headed, but has been botolised but the Xenu, so even he gets crossed off. The others look like they really love themselves, just a little too much, and if their over blown egos and propensity to talk about themselves (I imagine, just going off experience form other actors I know), doesn't turn one off, then their incredibly deep seated insecurity probably will. Connery - too old. Shocker, I know, even for me to say that. Downey too healthy... yay for him. And Jolie just has too many kids.